I'm raging to avoid apathy. How are you doing?
Where my head's at amid this pandemic
Hey, 4nfam. Can you get away from the noise for a bit? Find somewhere quiet, even if it means drawing a second bath or locking yourself in the bedroom closet? Just somewhere to decompress, put your body at ease as your mind inevitably wanders?
Remember, if you’re feeling a sense of panic or anxiety or hopelessness right now and it’s all a bit more heightened than usual, that’s completely normal and expected. We—those of us with diagnosed mental illnesses—are simply more likely to react strongly to crisis. And if you have obsessive-compulsive disorder or illness anxiety disorder, every little warning and recommendation in the news related to hand-washing or social distancing or self-quarantining might be especially triggering.
Can you give yourself a moment to accept your reaction as a culmination of rational concern and underlying illness? Or—if you don’t have a diagnosis—can you remind yourself that these situations can also give rise to symptoms of common mental illnesses?
If you can do that, it might help you differentiate your normal vs your now, during this pandemic. Grab a notepad and write down any noticeable changes in sleep or eating patterns, including increased use of alcohol, tobacco or other drugs. Do you have a chronic health condition? Say, migraines or aches that worsen or even grow debilitating when your well-being suffers? Keep track of it all. Address what you can control; refer to a professional for whatever you feel you can’t.
If you, like me, are on the other end of the spectrum and have been worried about the public but quite unbothered about your own safety—if you find yourself thinking about the end of your days beyond a passive joke or two, please recognize your vulnerability and do not ignore what might in this moment feel like admissible apathy or even strength amid the surrounding mayhem.
I’ve mentioned in the past that I haven’t always been very attached to being alive and ever since I was a kid, I’ve struggled to envision a future with me in it. The “What do you want to be when you grow up?” question never sat well with me then, and filling out those five- or 10-year career plans now—it’s like painting myself a lie to appease the people around me. I realize the potential dangers of this chronic, passive suicidal ideation and how much worse things can get when I’m not being careful—that is, when I’m not being actively mindful of my shifting moods, not actively addressing how my environment is playing a role and how my daily habits might be weighing me down.
During my worst bout of depression and ideation, I’d grown numb to news of school shootings and hate crimes (as many may have) and then, one day, when I read about two Portland men killed while defending two Muslim women in 2017, I just about lost my will to live and thought often about finding a way out. Soon after this, I turned off all news notifications and changed my relationship to news consumption, despite the pressure of being an always-on journalist in the newsroom.
These swerves between apathy and flooding didn’t stop until my brother happened to catch me drowning; in this moment, I’d succumbed to the human guilt of a disappearing Earth after months of feeling all hope is lost, so why even bother panicking. I was advised to seek professional help.
Over the years, I’ve noticed certain behaviors accompany my apathy: overconsumption of news, overuse of technology, my full-time job in the newsroom (which I’ve since quit), my chronic back pain, skipping meals etc.
Again, consider grabbing a notepad and keeping track of your own behavior. Here’s a sample of what I’d write down in a given day:
Embracing inevitable demise and finding comfort in nonexistence might stem from rage and you should know that, especially in this situation, your anger toward disastrous response measures is justified. But please recognize if the rage simmers and evolves into indifference. Apathy in a situation like this can put both you and the public in danger.
Throughout this crisis-turned-pandemic, I’ve been trying to keep indifference at bay and instead, trying to focus on my rage in ways I feel might be productive or helpful. For me, that looks like some form of responsible information dissemination. I’ve been using the rage in my executive role within a disaster management organization to encourage my religious community to avoid large crowds, sanitize, etc. I’m trying and perhaps failing at getting large gatherings postponed or canceled; the band of worshippers who believe they are somehow untouchable on holy grounds on one side and me and my fellow logicians on the other. I don’t mean to patronize anyone with that statement—I am, admittedly, a woman of science more than I am a woman of faith. But this is essentially where my head’s at:
With this rage, I’ve also been trying to convince my father this is bigger than he wants to believe. Justifiably, he is prone to distrust American health care and related agencies. After all, we’ve experienced firsthand how much pain these federal programs have the power to inflict on the most vulnerable. The panic is unnecessary, he says, think of the money people will lose, you can’t just cancel everything, life has to go on.
He is unaware of the exact numbers and rates, the potential for loss without containment, but even then, part of me agrees. That’s the part of me concerned about kids without the school lunches they depend on, the international students who are stuck on barren college campuses, the health care workers forced into disarray and impossible workloads, the small businesses dependent on now-canceled festivals and conferences to get by, the empty funeral services and religious institutions where many seek refuge and hope.
But every time I slip into my father’s mindset, I am again driven back to rage. Where is the paid leave, the affordable—and universal—healthcare? How can we allow nearly half of our country to live paycheck to paycheck? The elderly and compromised are at highest risk, but our nursing homes are understaffed, underfunded and unequal. Our mental health services, too. I haven’t even addressed the racial or gender-based disparities across workplace and healthcare policies; the impact on low income immigrants or the undocumented population.
Rage is working for me right now, but even rage with good intention needs some controlling.
Here’s what’s been helping me cope/stay in control:
practicing basic hygiene as per CDC/WHO and also forgiving myself when I forget to wash my hands before a meal or two
stocking up on my meds as per CDC/WHO
reading coronavirus news with purpose only once a day (in the morning, usually via a newsletter ~30 min to 1hr)
taking a daily walk, no matter the weather (preferably without headphones)
texting/FaceTiming/calling friends or fam and letting them know what’s on my mind
letting my friends in healthcare know I’m here for them even if I’m not beside them on the frontlines
checking on the elders in my family and being a voice of reason for them
making it a point to laugh 3x a day (this is a weird one, but it’s always helped me to keep track of the highs when the lows are dominating)
doing my best to relay public health information as a professional but also realizing that everyone reacts to crises differently and not letting discouraging interactions feel like an affront to my justified concerns
if I find myself scrolling on Twitter or another social media app, immediately ditching my phone and taking a walk/reading/doing literally anything else
^same if I catch myself passively reading headlines
writinggggggggg
meditating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (headspace)
being with dogs
if I’m feeling especially defeated before bed: allowing myself morning (from Bassey Ikpi’s I'm Telling the Truth, but I'm Lying — “I give them the suggestion Allow yourself morning. I tell them it means that today may have been a rolling ball of anxiety and trembling, a face wet and slick with tears, but if you can get to morning, if you can allow yourself a new day to encourage a change, then you can get through it. Allow yourself morning.”
This was absolute word vomit and not at all edited, as you may have already noticed. I just needed to get it out and let you all know that this is a safe place to hold a discussion about the ways we react to crises. Please forgive any lil errors!
Feel free to comment below or respond to this email with anything on your chest right now, how you’re trying to maintain a healthy well-being during all this.
Love,
Fiza
Some sources/resources worth checking out:
Tips: Prevention (CDC); What to do when sick (CDC); How to self-quarantine (Washington Post); Remote work starter kit (me); general FAQs (WHO)
Newsletters: Washington Post Coronavirus Updates; New York Times Coronavirus Briefing and your local paper
Mental health: Mental health and coping (CDC); How to Deal With a Quarantine If You're Struggling Emotionally (Lifehacker); How to start therapy (NPR Life Kit); What you need to know before choosing online therapy (APA) // explore e-therapy apps (like Talkspace or Better Help)
anxiety thru the roof tbh.