I had a particularly rough day yesterday. My coccyx nerve condition flared in public, while I was at Starbucks. I knew I had to make it home before it worsened, but it took me over 30 minutes to move my hips and legs. I asked a couple of strangers, two women, if they could help carry my backpack to my car, because my back had just given out. I was stumbling and knew I would hit the floor if I tried to walk it myself. To my dismay, they were incredibly reluctant to get up and lend a hand. They just eyed each other, like, “Is this girl serious?” Eventually, one of the women did stand up to help, but hardly said a word or made eye contact with me as she took the pack, placed it in my car and walked away. I was in excruciating pain all day and still am (blabbed about it here) but that specific interaction really stung. I can’t personally imagine reacting that way if a stranger asks for help.
I know there are kind people all over the world, and I’m trying to remember that today and applaud myself for even asking for help in the first place, something I’m quite shit at. Today, I’m thinking of the guy I’d had a class with in college but never spoken to who brought me Advil after seeing my Facebook status pleading for anyone in the library to help a girl out—and the neighbor who would leave me sweet post-its on my door with puppy training tips when I first got Lady.
Have you had an interaction with a stranger that left you beaming or grateful? Tell me in the comments.
My mom also posted something here, but I accidentally deleted it while editing my response! She said: “I feel you, but from their perspective (people in Starbucks), there is so much scam going on in this world, it's hard to trust people when they ask for help, and everyone is skeptical not knowing what to expect when they would walk out with you to your car. Are accomplices there to attack them, rob them...or worse...”
Unfortunately, while this response angers me, I can empathize. It’s one of the reasons I asked two middle-aged women to help me and not the college-aged men. To be controlled by fear and let it get in the way of our humanity is wrong, and that’s not something I will budge on. No one is safe, not anywhere. Statistically, violence occurs primarily within families and known circles, and that’s fact. I love ya mom, but I do not hold this belief at all. Perhaps that adds some risk to my life, but it’s a risk I’m happy to take. Your comments did, however, remind me that there are people who instinctually assume the worst of a situation—and I do not know these women nor do I know if my asking for help triggered something in them from their pasts. So I appreciate the input.
I'm so sorry you had that experience yesterday. What I meant by "this is lovely" is the part at the end about the people who helped you with Advil and post-its.
Haha! I knew that 😂 They really were lovely. How powerful a simple act of kindness or ugliness can be in our moments of vulnerability. I absolutely loved your piece, and am so grateful for those kind cityfolk who came to your aid. Thank you so much for sharing—mind if I include in an upcoming roundup?
I'm so sorry you were treated that way, Fiza! It's actually kind of difficult to think of a time a stranger was kind to me as an adult, but as a kid I was on a flight as an unaccompanied minor, I was probably like eight or nine years old, and started getting motion sick. The lady next to me treated me in a motherly way, calling the flight attendant to help me and even rubbing my back. It was mortifying at the time but looking back, it was really kind.
Alex, thanks so much for joining! I feel you. We’re kind of programmed to remember the more painful times as if they’re in bolder bubble letters, and it’s natural to only recall the good and kind in retrospect. But I’m so glad you remember this woman. I want to hug her!
I recently sat on a plane next to a guy who puked the entire flight and again noticed how instead of offering to help or call an attendant people just snickered or inched away. I was in the middle seat and this sick passenger was on my left. The man on my right whispered “oh god” but I quickly asked him for his paper bag for the passenger to use, which I think caught him off guard. I think once the guy on my right realized I was trying to do whatever I can to help, it became slightly normalized? He then dug around for tissues and have the sick passenger his water. I don’t know—I wonder if people just feel embarrassed to be in that spotlight. It usually takes one helper to encourage another and so on. I hope I never let fear of embarrassment or disgust get in the way of treating someone the way I would want to be treated. Feels like such a simple rule of life to follow!
Honestly, Fiza, the day u reached out after reading my blog and told me you think I would benefit from this newsletter, I didnt realize it then but I was looking for some support I think and your email and 30 day gift came to me at a time I was losing faith in everything. You are the stranger I thought of.
Public crying has become a frequent thing as of late. Usually on the train in the morning during my commute to work. Can't help it. The feelings just wash over. Luckily, most people don't notice. If they do, they just mind their own business. But last week, an older woman of color reached out, asked if I was okay, and scrambled to find a pack of tissues in her bag. Before getting off on her stop, she smiled sympathetically. "Take care of yourself," she said. Naturally, I was a bit embarrassed by the whole thing. But also really touched.
Shabna ♥️ I always wonder if people believe not saying anything is better, if they think intrusion would only make us feel worse. I’m sure there are people who prefer to weep without public reaction, but it says something, I think, that you are weeping in public, what I would take as a kind of cry for help—only because I’ve noticed that when I’ve cried in public or been in a vulnerable public spotlight, I’m inadvertently looking for some kind of support, even if I say “I’m fine.” It’s the mere acknowledgement.
I am so damn happy this woman showed you kindness.
I have low blood pressure and get dizzy sometimes. Once, I got off the subway in NYC during the morning commute and sat down on the platform. Most of the crowd rushed by me but three lovely ladies stayed behind. I think they were middle aged to elderly. They asked if I was okay. One gave me water, another gave me candy, and they waited with me until I was able to stand up and walked me up the stairs. I was so grateful. I was pretty new to NYC at the time and that really changed my impression of New Yorkers.
I do find, though, it's hard to ask for a seat on the subway, especially because people so often have headphones in/eyes on phones -- I can't just try to catch someone's eyes, I have to physically invade their space by tapping them on the shoulder or waving in front of their screen. It makes it so awkward, I often don't even try to ask for a seat, even when I really need one.
Caroline, thanks so much for sharing! I'm sorry you have to deal with this so often and love that those kind women helped as soon as they noticed something was wrong. Do you feel like moments like that make you hyper aware of looking around for people who fit that demographic more often (older, middle aged women?) or for people traveling in groups (3 instead of solo)? And I feel you re: the awkwardness. Wish we weren't so glued to our phones and ourselves...a much bigger societal issue I have no idea how to take on! Though personally I feel like I've broken up with my phone and pretty much neglect it to the point that my friends/family know not to panic if I don't answer within a few hours. (and thanks! I do, too, but trying not to let one bad interaction keep me from asking for help!)
My take: as a society, we've been (mistakenly) convinced that we are each self-sufficient. With your phone in your hand. You can order a pizza. You can get a job. You can call an Uber. With this unprecedentedly powerful computer in your hand, you should be able to do anything, on your own or with hired help. Need for another human being outside the constraints of capitalism has become taboo.
Living abroad, I have completely lost any illusions about being self-sufficient. I need help understanding paperwork, I need help learning slang, I need help buying food, and Google can only help me so much. When I've turned to strangers with the ignorance of a child, they have shown me so much kindness. But I wonder if I was from here, would I be shown the same kindness?
Oh man, yes yes yes. With all the self-help books, our focus on individualism and the power of a click of a button—I so feel this. We don't rely on people as often as we would. There's no "it takes a village" mentality, at least not in my life. But being abroad changes everything, especially if you don't speak the native tongue. Communication requires eye contact, hand gestures, questions from a true place of vulnerability. Like a helpless puppy! A poor foreigner. I understand, and wonder how, say, the kindness of strangers toward me in Granada, Spain, would differ were I born and raised there. Though Granada is far from our capitalism mecca, stores open and close when owners want, time moves slowly, coffee shops certainly don't open at 5 a.m.
My mom also posted something here, but I accidentally deleted it while editing my response! She said: “I feel you, but from their perspective (people in Starbucks), there is so much scam going on in this world, it's hard to trust people when they ask for help, and everyone is skeptical not knowing what to expect when they would walk out with you to your car. Are accomplices there to attack them, rob them...or worse...”
Unfortunately, while this response angers me, I can empathize. It’s one of the reasons I asked two middle-aged women to help me and not the college-aged men. To be controlled by fear and let it get in the way of our humanity is wrong, and that’s not something I will budge on. No one is safe, not anywhere. Statistically, violence occurs primarily within families and known circles, and that’s fact. I love ya mom, but I do not hold this belief at all. Perhaps that adds some risk to my life, but it’s a risk I’m happy to take. Your comments did, however, remind me that there are people who instinctually assume the worst of a situation—and I do not know these women nor do I know if my asking for help triggered something in them from their pasts. So I appreciate the input.
I think my mom would have reacted this way too, it is hard to understand but fear is deep in them.
This is lovely. When I was hit by a car in NYC — a hit-and-run — people really showed up to help me out. I wrote about it here: https://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/31/opinion/31botton.html
I'm so sorry you had that experience yesterday. What I meant by "this is lovely" is the part at the end about the people who helped you with Advil and post-its.
Haha! I knew that 😂 They really were lovely. How powerful a simple act of kindness or ugliness can be in our moments of vulnerability. I absolutely loved your piece, and am so grateful for those kind cityfolk who came to your aid. Thank you so much for sharing—mind if I include in an upcoming roundup?
Absolutely! Please do. I hope you are not in pain today.
wow this story made me so happy!! I hope you recovered quickly.
Thank you! I mostly did, but 12 years later, the hip I fell on is very painful. I'm being treated for it now.
I'm so sorry you were treated that way, Fiza! It's actually kind of difficult to think of a time a stranger was kind to me as an adult, but as a kid I was on a flight as an unaccompanied minor, I was probably like eight or nine years old, and started getting motion sick. The lady next to me treated me in a motherly way, calling the flight attendant to help me and even rubbing my back. It was mortifying at the time but looking back, it was really kind.
Alex, thanks so much for joining! I feel you. We’re kind of programmed to remember the more painful times as if they’re in bolder bubble letters, and it’s natural to only recall the good and kind in retrospect. But I’m so glad you remember this woman. I want to hug her!
I recently sat on a plane next to a guy who puked the entire flight and again noticed how instead of offering to help or call an attendant people just snickered or inched away. I was in the middle seat and this sick passenger was on my left. The man on my right whispered “oh god” but I quickly asked him for his paper bag for the passenger to use, which I think caught him off guard. I think once the guy on my right realized I was trying to do whatever I can to help, it became slightly normalized? He then dug around for tissues and have the sick passenger his water. I don’t know—I wonder if people just feel embarrassed to be in that spotlight. It usually takes one helper to encourage another and so on. I hope I never let fear of embarrassment or disgust get in the way of treating someone the way I would want to be treated. Feels like such a simple rule of life to follow!
Honestly, Fiza, the day u reached out after reading my blog and told me you think I would benefit from this newsletter, I didnt realize it then but I was looking for some support I think and your email and 30 day gift came to me at a time I was losing faith in everything. You are the stranger I thought of.
ugh you're gonna make me cry. not strangers anymore! <3
Public crying has become a frequent thing as of late. Usually on the train in the morning during my commute to work. Can't help it. The feelings just wash over. Luckily, most people don't notice. If they do, they just mind their own business. But last week, an older woman of color reached out, asked if I was okay, and scrambled to find a pack of tissues in her bag. Before getting off on her stop, she smiled sympathetically. "Take care of yourself," she said. Naturally, I was a bit embarrassed by the whole thing. But also really touched.
Shabna ♥️ I always wonder if people believe not saying anything is better, if they think intrusion would only make us feel worse. I’m sure there are people who prefer to weep without public reaction, but it says something, I think, that you are weeping in public, what I would take as a kind of cry for help—only because I’ve noticed that when I’ve cried in public or been in a vulnerable public spotlight, I’m inadvertently looking for some kind of support, even if I say “I’m fine.” It’s the mere acknowledgement.
I am so damn happy this woman showed you kindness.
I have low blood pressure and get dizzy sometimes. Once, I got off the subway in NYC during the morning commute and sat down on the platform. Most of the crowd rushed by me but three lovely ladies stayed behind. I think they were middle aged to elderly. They asked if I was okay. One gave me water, another gave me candy, and they waited with me until I was able to stand up and walked me up the stairs. I was so grateful. I was pretty new to NYC at the time and that really changed my impression of New Yorkers.
I do find, though, it's hard to ask for a seat on the subway, especially because people so often have headphones in/eyes on phones -- I can't just try to catch someone's eyes, I have to physically invade their space by tapping them on the shoulder or waving in front of their screen. It makes it so awkward, I often don't even try to ask for a seat, even when I really need one.
Also, I'm sorry you've been in pain, and I hope you feel better soon. I wish people were more willing to help you.
Caroline, thanks so much for sharing! I'm sorry you have to deal with this so often and love that those kind women helped as soon as they noticed something was wrong. Do you feel like moments like that make you hyper aware of looking around for people who fit that demographic more often (older, middle aged women?) or for people traveling in groups (3 instead of solo)? And I feel you re: the awkwardness. Wish we weren't so glued to our phones and ourselves...a much bigger societal issue I have no idea how to take on! Though personally I feel like I've broken up with my phone and pretty much neglect it to the point that my friends/family know not to panic if I don't answer within a few hours. (and thanks! I do, too, but trying not to let one bad interaction keep me from asking for help!)
My take: as a society, we've been (mistakenly) convinced that we are each self-sufficient. With your phone in your hand. You can order a pizza. You can get a job. You can call an Uber. With this unprecedentedly powerful computer in your hand, you should be able to do anything, on your own or with hired help. Need for another human being outside the constraints of capitalism has become taboo.
Living abroad, I have completely lost any illusions about being self-sufficient. I need help understanding paperwork, I need help learning slang, I need help buying food, and Google can only help me so much. When I've turned to strangers with the ignorance of a child, they have shown me so much kindness. But I wonder if I was from here, would I be shown the same kindness?
Oh man, yes yes yes. With all the self-help books, our focus on individualism and the power of a click of a button—I so feel this. We don't rely on people as often as we would. There's no "it takes a village" mentality, at least not in my life. But being abroad changes everything, especially if you don't speak the native tongue. Communication requires eye contact, hand gestures, questions from a true place of vulnerability. Like a helpless puppy! A poor foreigner. I understand, and wonder how, say, the kindness of strangers toward me in Granada, Spain, would differ were I born and raised there. Though Granada is far from our capitalism mecca, stores open and close when owners want, time moves slowly, coffee shops certainly don't open at 5 a.m.